Belong.

I see them, happy with their own families and I envy them. I envy their family. I envy their ability to laugh or to cry with their beloved ones. I envy that no matter what, they have their family to rely on. Yeah, I envy my own cousins. I want all that; I want the ability to tell people that my parents are there for me no matter what. That I have my own little family. That I actually belong in a household. I want that so much. I'm just tired of being the third wheel, tired of being identified as the "third person" in my aunt's family. Don't get me wrong, I love my aunt and her family so much, but for once, I want to belong. For once, I want someone to say "Yes, she is my daughter." It's like, in this picture perfect jigsaw puzzle, I am the last odd, unfit-able piece to the whole puzzle. I just don't fit, or belong in my aunt's family. Over the years, they have done so many things for me, things I couldn't repay them for, but this dull pain, the constant dull pain that always reminds me, "Hey, wake up!" "You don't belong here!" Especially when I go out with my aunt's family and people who we know come up and ask my aunt, "oh, is this your daughter?" And my aunt will be like " No, she is my brother's daughter" and people will give this judgmental look towards me. I'm sick of that look. That look of pity for me. That look of sheer, candy coated mocking that I am just another loser in this world who doesn't belong anywhere. I'm just tired of this. I just want to belong to a family. To be classified as a daughter to a family, not as a long time guest. And to my aunt, thanks for all the time you spent taking care of me, I couldn't repay you even if I wanted to. I love you so much. Thanks for everything and I'm sorry if I come off as ungrateful but I swear that's not what I wanted to do, I just want to feel belonged.