Why do I still feel like a failure despite trying so hard to be comfortable in a life I built all by myself?
I still get panic attacks when I see people resembling my parents or even getting nightmares of them hunting for me, then murdering me in cold blood without an ounce of regret only because I'm not who they want me to be.
My anxiety hits the roof when I even think of stepping foot back to my hometown because I worry that I would be spotted by any relatives, just for them to comment on my weight, or my physical appearance.
I fear my parents would find me, then marry me off to some man just for money. I fear that I would have to give up all my hopes and dreams just to be shackled up to some men, forcing to give up my freedom and my body for his pleasure. I fear I would be abused, just like my mother who mentally abuse me for years to the point, slitting my wrists and bleeding out feels like a better option than to live with her even for a day.
Sometimes I wonder why was I born. I wish I died. I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling not good enough, I'm tired of never feeling happy and I'm tired of feeling like a product for my parents. Just there for their benefit. I just want to die, at least I would feel free then.
I just want to leave this horrid world. I can't take it anymore.
