Dear diary,
I did it again. I thought I could stop, but the thoughts in my head take over and I end up relapsing.
I miss the old me.
Now I just look at myself, trying to fake a a smile through the pure disgust I have for myself. I never knew I could hate myself this much but guess we learn new things every time.
My friends all seem busy with their own lives. I envy them. I envy them having a life. All I do is work. Work everyday. They think I'm a workaholic, but they don't know I work hard to forget my pain. When I stop working, stop keeping myself busy I feel it. The tightening of my chest, the difficulty to breathe between the sobs that pour out of my broken soul.
I envy them for having someone to love them. To care for them. I don't have anyone. I end up pushing everyone away from my life. My best friend thinks I'm fine, but she doesn't know how bad it's getting day by day. I can't tell her. She wouldn't understand. I tried talking to her but it didn't help so I changed the subject. I don't wanna burden her with my problems. She's finally happy after a long time and she thinks I am too. I am. Happy for her. Not happy in general.
What can I do, diary? I'm so lost. Most days I feel so numb. Other days I feel so sad and I just go to work and end up sobbing my eyes out in the toilet. In the car. At home. I just break down.
Am I weak? Am I pathetic? I don't know anymore. I'm such a joke. I don't let anyone on, anyone close, I cut people off so easily and I put up a tough, hard exterior, but I'm just worthless inside.
I don't know what to do anymore diary.
Sigh.
Talk to you soon.
xx
