No Regrets

It's the beginning of a new semester. Gosh, time really flies. I've spent ONE YEAR in KDU. ONE YEAR, can you believe that? Wow. However, I dread going back. Constantly, I feel like I'm under scrutiny. It's a weird feeling, I know. Maybe it's all in my head. Most probably, it's all in my head. But, I feel alone. No, I feel lonely. I feel lost. I feel stumped. As though the road I was taking, just became pitch black and I'm out there, in the cold, alone and with no sense of direction. Perhaps, it's because I constantly push people away, scared of actually trusting them. Perhaps, it's also because, the people I trust, managed to turn their backs, and walk away. I don't know what to do anymore. All I wanted was to be normal, to feel belonged but some people managed to shatter my illusion of belonging. I do want things to go back to the way it was, and I know that's a far fetched dream. I'm just tired of all of this. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of always being judged. I'm tired of letting people walk over me. Mostly, I AM TIRED OF BEING REPLACED. Friends always make a big fuss on how a person can never be replaced, but look how the tables have turned. I just don't think I have the strength to carry the charade of smiles anymore. It's sickening, lying to myself. Putting on a smile may fool the world, but I'd never thought I could fool my closest friends. Guess, I'm just that good of an actress. Sometimes, I'd fool myself, believing that I am actually happy, and that my problems would just evaporate away, like steam. Truth is, college was my escape from my troubled life. WAS. Now, it's an addition to it. People say, things get better, but I feel... it got worse. And I'm the one to blame. I avoid every little problem until it became worse. Now, I can't fix it anymore. Maybe it's best this way. Guess, I never really meant that much to anyone. Funny how I love helping people, but when I'm lost and troubled, I gotta figure it out myself as everyone left. It's true. PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE. Guess I learned it the hard way. Like I said, I'm done trying to bring people back into my life. From now on, it's gonna be all about me and my dream. Reaching my goal. Believing in myself even though nobody ever does. The wall goes higher than ever before and I'm all out to guard my wall with all I got. NO REGRETS.