4 PERSPECTIVES

So, I would somehow feel happier if I purchased a gun. Perhaps I won't use it but there are times I feel like BLOWING SOMEONE'S BLOODY BRAINS ALL OVER MY THE WALLS. Watching them bleed to death, as they see my face, one last time before dying. I want them to feel the pain, which is engulfing me inside, I want them to feel every bit of it. I want them to beg for their life, and apologize for all the things they did to me. I'm trying to let go, to forget, but every time I see you, I am reminded of everything. I know I will never have the courage to kill anybody. I barely have the courage to look at my friends in the eyes when I ask them if they like hanging out with me. Mainly because, I'm scared of finding out the truth. So, I'll buy the gun for myself. Perhaps it'll bring me to a happier place once and for all. Sick of the lies, tired of the smiles, oh how time never flies, I wish I was dead and gone. Thank you for making me feel this way. I hope you're happy, "darling".

xxx

And this was the final journal entry she wrote. She never bought a gun. That night, she decided she couldn't take the pain that is inside of her anymore. She walked to the closet, pulled out her belt, tied it to the ceiling fan, and asphyxiated herself to death. I never knew of her suffering. I never knew of her dark side. I never knew of the person she became at 3 am. I never knew any of that. I was her sister, and I NEVER KNEW MY OWN SISTER. I always thought she was this carefree girl, parading around with her bright smiles, her contagious laughter, her crazy ideas to live life, her sarcastic questions and her mischievousness. Little did I know, that girl, that fake mask she wore, was nothing like my sister. My real sister was there, as I found her, hanging from the fan, strangled by the belt that I got for her for her birthday. Eyes bulging, tongue sticking out, with a deep purple indentation on her neck. She decided she had enough and gave up. How selfish of her. She was all I had, she was my pride and joy, my little sister. How could I have been so stupid, to not see her sufferings? Maybe because she hid them so well. I feel guilty. I killed my own sister.

xxx

There was a young girl I examined an hour ago. She was in her late teens, and the cause of death was suffocation. It's sad how the world turned out nowadays. Young girls committing suicide, because the world is crushing their will to live. This particular girl, when they brought her in, she was clearly suffocated to death, but somehow you could see the smudged mascara and the eyeliner streaks on her cheeks, which suggested she'd been crying before she died. But even though her tongue was protruding out in the corner of her mouth due to the force of the belt choking her, it almost looks as though she was smiling, at the time of her death. Maybe it's because she's happy she can finally find peace. As I continued examining her, I noticed she wore a lot of bracelets, and as I took it out, I was appalled at the cuts and scares on her wrists. Without realizing it, I started tearing up. I have been a coroner for 10 years but this case, really took a toll on me. Old emotions started flooding up, and I remembered how it was like, when I had the same marks on my wrists. When the world seemed bleak for me and I started to take the pain inside away but dragging a blade across my skin to find relief. I managed to fight my demons and live through all the pain and anger, putting my heart and soul in reaching my goal of becoming a coroner, but this girl, who lays here, who gave up and decided it was too painful for her to continue living never had a second chance. And it sucks, because it is so unfair. I decided to put my work first, and continued examining the girl and once it was done, I went and gave my reports to the staff and wondered what would it be like if it was me, if I never had a second chance, and it was me lying on the examination table. All I can do is pray for this poor girl's soul, and hopes she finds the peace she made herself suffer to get for.

xxx

I kept calling her mobile, to apologize for the fights we had, for the things I said. True, we have our egos but I think I crossed the line by telling her I couldn't care less about her. She was my best friend, of course I care, it was a spur of the moment thing and I was having some problems of my own to deal with. Nonetheless, I shouldn't have said it. The next day, I went to college, and there were hushed whispers all around me. I kept finding her but I couldn't. Then, I received a news that made my world shatter. She committed suicide. She was down and she had no one with her, no one to talk to, so she decided to take her own life? I don't know what to think anymore. She was so stupid. Maybe it was my fault. NO. I don't know anymore. I lost my best friend because I pushed her away, believing in some people's lies. I LOST MY BEST FRIEND. I'M DONE. SHE'S GONE.

xxx

4 different perspectives. ONE STORY. It changes everything doesn't it? When you are suffering from depression, you feel the world is bleak and there is no hope for you anymore, and you give up. When it's your sibling or someone related to you takes their life, and you feel like you should have seen the signs, because you should have known. you must have known. As a friend or a best friend, you knew your friend was suffering, maybe they trusted you enough to tell you, but you were afraid to help them so you push them away, then when they take their life, you feel it's all your fault because you never was the supporting hand there, to help her, and be the guiding light. Finally, as a third party, you feel intoxicated with the evilness that has spread in this world, and you wonder what kind of pain that must have made young teens take their own life, without so much as a second thought. Suicide doesn't just affect the person committing it, it affects everyone surrounding you as well. #justamessage.

P.s: I just want to state here, suicide is no one's fault. NO ONE. BUT... Always, always mind your words. Never speak out things you don't mean, because it could some serious repercussions and cause someone's day to be their last. Trust me on this. I had my fair share of "words" that pushed me over to the edge at times. xx